Click on the following questions to see the answer:

• What is abuse?
• What are the different types of abuse?
• Do people who are beaten provoke the abuse?
• What are some of the signs of Domestic Violence?
• How do women cope while living with Domestic Violence?
• What are some of the early warning signs of dating violence?
• What are some safety tips for women who drive alone?
• What is a Women's Shelter?
• I want to talk to someone, but I'm not sure I want to stay at a shelter. If I go there will I have to stay?
• How long can I stay at the shelter?
• I have special dietary needs. Is the shelter able to assist me with this?
• I have a disability that prevents me from using the stairs. Will this make me ineligible for a shelter stay?
• Can I continue working if I come to the shelter?

What is abuse?
Abuse involves the intent by the abuser to intimidate, either by threat or by use of physical force on the victim or victims property. The purpose of the abuse is to control the behaviour by the inducement of fear. Underlying all abuse is a power imbalance between the victim and the offender.

What are the different types of abuse?
There are five main categories of abuse. The following are some examples but not limited to.

Physical:

• Any unwanted physical contact, e.g. kicking, punching, pulling, pushing, slapping, hitting, pulling hair, arm-twisting, squeezing hand or arm, choking, pushing up against the wall, pointing finger, poking
• Stopping her from leaving
• Restraining her in any way
• Standing to close
• Picking her up, holding or hugging when it is unwanted
• Shooting, murder

• Forcing intercourse
• Forcing certain positions
• Total lack of intimacy
• Adultery, cheating, sleeping around
• Constantly pestering for intercourse
• Treating her as a sex object
• Intimidation by knowledge or reputation
• Getting back at her by refusing to have intercourse
• Using intercourse as a basis for an argument
• Put downs
• Being rough
• Pornography

• Not taking responsibility for the children or using children as a weapon
• Abusing children physically and sexually
• Embarrassment in front of the children
• Putting her down or ignoring her in public
• Stopping her from seeing friends
• Using as a continual joke or putdown about her with others
• Choosing friends or family over her
• Not taking her out
• Keeping her busy in the kitchen, i.e. during a party
• Change of personality with others
• Not being nice to her friends
• Make a "scene"

• Withholding money
• Spending money foolishly or beyond means
• Not spending money on special occasion e.g. her birthday
• Making the decisions in terms of how the money is spent without her input

• Insults, yelling, name calling, verbal threats
• Intimidation, playing "mind games"
• Overpowering her emotions
• Bringing up old issues and arguments
• Degrading her
• Inappropriate expression of jealousy
• Turning around a situation against her
• Brainwashing
• Laughing in her face
• Raising your voice
• Silence, isolation, ignoring her
• Walking away from a discussion
• Refusing to deal with issues
• Pressuring her
• Lying
• Treating her as a child, putting her up on a pedestal
• Agreeing with her even though you don't
• Manipulation, making her fearful
• Putting her or her family down
• Finding and verbalizing her faults, comparing her to other people
• Expecting her to conform to a role
• 'Typical male chauvinistic dominance'
• Overly sarcastic or critical
• Lack of consideration for her opinions
• Trying to get the last word in
• Pre-violence cues
• Egging her on
• Disbelieving her
• Woman hating e.g. jokes, putdowns etc.
• Having a double standard for her
• Double bind, e.g. telling her one thing but really meaning another
• Unflattering or belittling comments about her physical appearance
• Coming home drunk, not coming home
• Not taking responsibility or taking away her responsibilities
• Not keeping commitments
• Doing the opposite of what you said you'd do
• Making a fool of her
• Being rude
• Making threats to partner about yourself, e.g. "I'll kill myself if you…"
• Starting arguments

Do people who are beaten provoke the abuse?
No, when an abuser places blame on the victim, he/she is trying to escape responsibility for the violence.

What are some of the signs of Domestic Violence?
Some of the following signs may be noticed in a woman who is a victim of domestic violence:

• Chronic complaints of poor health
• Frequent visits to a doctor
• Use of tranquilizers and /or abuse of alcohol and drugs
• A history of suicidal thoughts or actions
• A suspicion of child abuse in her role as mother
• Sleeping difficulties i.e. insomnia, nightmares
• Severe agitation, anxiety or obvious nervousness
• Confused thinking, inability to make decisions, lack of eye contact
• Rigid view of roles of men and women

How do women cope while living with Domestic Violence?

Healthy Coping Responses	Unhealthy Coping Responses
Leaving temporarily Calling the police Telling a friend Seeking help Holding him responsible for the abuse	Drinking to escape the pain Withdrawing into herself Covering up the abuse and pretending it does not happen Blaming herself for the abuse Taking her rage out on the children Attempting suicide

Taken from the Kingston Interval House Domestic Violence Handout Handbook.

What are some of the early warning signs of dating violence?
Are you going out with someone who….

• Is jealous and possessive towards you, won't let you have friends, checks up on you, won't accept breaking up.
• Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions; doesn't take your opinion seriously.
• Is scary. You worry about how they will react to things you say or do. Threatens you, uses or owns weapons.
• Is violent: has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly brags about mistreating others.
• Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary around sex. Thinks women or girls are sex objects. Attempts to manipulate or guilt trip you by saying "If you really loved me you would…" Gets too serious about the relationship too fast.
• Abuses drugs or alcohol and pressures you to take them.
• Blames you when they mistreat you. Says you provoked them, pressed their buttons, make them do it, lead them on.
• Has a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for all the problems. "Girls just don't understand me"
• Believes that men should be in control and powerful and that women should be passive and submissive.
• Your family and friends have warned you about the person or told you they were worried for your safety.

What are some safety tips for women who drive alone?
Whether you are traveling to work or taking a trip, each time you use your car you should keep safety in mind.

• When walking to your car, have your keys ready.
• Check both the interior and exterior of your car before you get in. Keep your doors and windows locked
• Keep your car well maintained and drive with at least half a tank of gas.
• If your car breaks down, place a "CALL POLICE" sign in your rear window, and lock yourself in your car. Do not raise the hood of your car. Never give anyone access to your car. Talk through a slightly open window.
• Be aware of your surroundings. Be alert to vehicles or people following you into a garage. LEAVE if you feel uncomfortable. Sound your horn if you cannot leave.
• If you think someone may be following you try to get the licence number and drive to the nearest police station, restaurant, or service station, and call the police. Do not get out of your car before this. Blow your horn to attract attention, if necessary.
• Lock parcels and luggage in the trunk. Keep your purse out of sight. Never leave anything in the car, which identifies your name and address.
• Park near the exit or in well lit areas of parking garages. Do not use unlit lots.
• When you are traveling, be sure someone knows your exact route and keep in touch by phone.

What is a Women's Shelter?
Naomi's Centre is a shelter where women who have experienced any type of abuse can come for support, resources and a safe place to reside. It is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week and the counsellors welcome women to call and /or come at any time, day or night. The services are completely free and confidential.

I want to talk to someone, but I'm not sure I want to stay at a shelter. If I go there will I have to stay?
No. Naomi's Centre provides a safe and comfortable place for women coping with abuse. You may choose to stay or leave at any time. Some women prefer to come in to talk with a counsellor, get resources, support and then return home. Staff at the shelter will respect a your right and ability to make these choices for yourself.

How long can I stay at the shelter?
The length of each woman's stay is determined by individual need.

I have special dietary needs. Is the shelter able to assist me with this?
Yes. We try our best to meet your individual needs and discuss this weekly at our residents meeting when we prepare our menu plan for the week. Please let staff know what you require.

I have a disability that prevents me from using the stairs. Will this make me ineligible for a shelter stay?
Naomi's Centre has one wheelchair accessible unit that includes washroom facilities and an elevator that reaches the other levels in the house. However, depending on the nature of your disability and the availability of this unit, you will need to speak to staff to determine if this would meet your needs.

Can I continue working if I come to the shelter?
Yes, you can continue to work. If you have children, you will need to make alternate child care arrangements, as there isn't childcare available. Shift work can also be accommodated.